A Life of Luxury and Hosting How-to


Dear Jacqueline,
How do I stay as fit and young as you dear?
Signed,
Charity
Dearest Charity,
How kind you are and generous, but then you have a virtue for a name and have always lived up to it most assuredly. I for one do not believe the rumors that you are a secret eater. You will always remain a memorable vision in that vintage red one-shouldered Halston. You never disappoint in creating a glamorous presence. Keep the illusion darling by remembering to do what I do—retain the original size six label sewn into your gowns even if you have them adjusted the tiniest tad. That way you will always feel un petit plus petite, and it looks great and will keep people gasping when people are rummaging through your closet. When asked your age always reply, j’ai l’étrnité. Then, in restaurants order the l’air français medium rare, and if you are really starving, ask for the jaw dropping diet seltzer avec concombre of course. Glamour and illusion are yours forever!

Dear Jacqueline,
My husband and I like to enjoy our time at the beach, and we enjoy having guests including both our families and friends—most of the time. Recently we have been plagued by the empty-handed-do-nothing guests. Friends are one thing, but family—especially my in-laws—can be even more of a disaster! It’s becoming an issue in our marriage. What can I do so that I can enjoy my summer too?
Signed,
Plagued

Dear Plagued,
We all are too well acquainted with the mooch or schnorer—the empty-handed-do-nothing-guest—

Is Bisexual Lover a Highway to Hell?
By JACQUELINE JONée
Dear Jacqueline,
My Abercrombie & Fitch boyfriend likes to spend a lot of time in the Pines dancing with me until dawn. We are always surrounded by gorgeous half-naked men who adore him. He says I am his girl and that he is not into boys, but my girlfriends think otherwise. They say he is just not that into me. We don’t have a lot of sex, and I’m not sure if he’s “bi,” but I want him all to myself.
Signed,
Not Into AC/DC

Dear Not Into AC/DC,
“Flaishidikh or milchidikh, which of the “dikhs” do I pihk?” Sexual identity is clearer for some than others. I too, in a distant past, suckled on the teat of ambiguity—a privilege of youth. If you are not his milkmaid darling, he may be feasting and fressing on another dish in the sexual smorgasbord—the continuum of sexuality—when not around you. Eventually most, but not all people, of course, prefer one gender. A chacun son goût! It sounds as though you don’t want to share your boy toy’s earthly delights. I don’t like to see perfectly lovely young people suffer heartache. You have to decide if he is really the man for you. But remember: always be compassionate.

Dear Jacqueline,
Lately I have been suffering with a lingering anxiety about my future with no job or boyfriend, and compassion fatigue as I look at every fundraising letter that comes into my house. I just want to relax and enjoy the beach. What should I do?
Signed,
Anxious Sufferer

Dearest Anxious Sufferer,
You clearly have symptoms of clinica Lingering Anxiety and Compassion Fatigue, a sometimes devastating combination that is especially epidemic during the summer months when you had hoped to come to the beach to take it easy and relax. With so many worthwhile causes—and they are all deserving—one can suffer from benefititis overload! This is also known as “compassion fatigue.” This can lead to a feeling of overwhelming uncertainty or clinical “lingering anxiety.” The list goes on. You don’t know what to sponsor; at what level; what to attend; what not to attend; who is hosting; should you go to be with people who are always pleasant but never sincere even though you don’t really want to; will you run into people you don’t like or the people who built the extension that blocked your view; or someone with whom you are feuding, or the person who is suing you or the one you are suing; will you disappoint a friend? And then there is the added anxiety of hearing and reading about the events and parties you were not invited to. All this can lead to overload and social paralysis. But look on the bright side. Nothing in life is certain darling and the only thing that is certain is that life itself is uncertain. We live in a constantly changing universe; evolution and adaptation are part of our DNA. You don’t have to participate in everything, but stay involved in the things that give your life meaning. We cannot succumb to indifference or we lose our humanity. Remember: it’s more important to participate even in a small way than to do nothing.

 Dear Jacqueline,
I know there are an abundance of rich men—sugar daddies if you will—who summer on Fire Island and are looking for someone with whom they can share their life and their money. I’m certainly no Anna Nicole Smith, but it would be nice to meet someone on the beach this summer who may be able to take care of me. I, of course, have a lot to offer any prospective husband, but do you have any advice you can offer this poor 20-something?
           Sincerely yours,
Not Anna Nicole Smith

Dearest Not Anna Nicole,
Ah, this familiar young starlet
/ingénue meets movie director/producer theme. Even the Greeks had a Word for It. Why not just bypass the old nine to five work ethic, land a Daddy Warbucks and head straight to Harry Winston? What a novel idea. So, where are you on the arm candy scale — dipping toward Anna Nicole or more towards Phyllis Diller? And just how poor of a 20-something are you? 20ish or pushing 30 from the wrong side? You tell me nothing about your skill set, but unless you have a few recipes beyond jerk chicken and can wear a utility belt and handle power tools, I predict you won’t make it past a few pomegranate cocktails. Men may not “make passes at girls who wear glasses,” but they do want intelligent conversation. Marilyn gave us the play book in “How To Marry a Millionaire.”

Jacqueline loves to answer all of your dating questions. E-mail her at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .